Tuesday, July 14, 2009

My shiny smiley face sticker finally got washed off after wearing it all day on my left hand. Yousuf picked it out for me to wear after he got his from the home nurse. She came today to change Yousuf's dressings for his PICC line. Though he threw a fit he still was very cooperative holding out his arm while she cleaned him up. He was screaming from the burning of the alcohol. I was a bit sad to see the sticker come off since that was what made Yousuf happy afterward...seeing us both wear the sticker all day, as if I shared with him in the pain...more than he knows. Tomorrow we return to the battleground for some more chemo and blood tests. I'm wondering if he will need any transfusions tomorrow.

I saw My Sisters Keeper, the movie. A bit insane I suppose for someone who also has a child with leukemia. I was crying or holding back tears almost the entire movie. It did help to understand everyone else's perspective in the family on how they feel and interpret the disease, but of course only really feeling what the mother is going through. I had flashbacks of times before we went to the hospital and in the hospital. I know that everyone says that we brought Yousuf right on time. I know they say that how could I have possibly known that he was that sick. It still haunts me though at times. When I see him cold and wrapping himself in a blanket I remember when they called me to the babysitting when I was at the gym. I was almost done with my workout when they called and I just assumed that they called me for Omar since he was the one that usually didn't like being in there and cried sometimes. I went straight to Omar to try and console him but the lady came to me and told me that Yousuf was the one crying this time and he was wrapped in a blanket shivering. I took them and left and told Yousuf I was sorry that he didn't feel good but still going through life normally. Normal. What is that? Even the day I took him to the doctor I was anxious to leave to be able to have time to make it to the gym. I haven't been back to the gym since. I feel guilty for wanting to focuse on myself, though I was going 4-5 times a week and found strength and empowerment when going. It will be strange for me to go empty handed without Yousuf and Omar tagging along.

Another flashback I had was when I was coming back to the hospital when Yousuf was staying there that first week. I was on my way up the elevator taking a deep breath before returning to Yousuf knowing I was in for more screaming, crying and "mama, come here's!!" Two other people were in the elevator making small talk and the man seemed very excited and was asked why. The man said my daughter is getting the tubes taken out of her nose after having it for 30 days. I gasped. I became very thankful for Yousuf's condition and how well he really was doing compared to many, alhamdulilah. There are far worse and complicated diseases and treatments and so far we are among the better ones. Insha'Allah, he will continue to be well and better each day!

1 comment:

  1. Insha'allah the time will pass by quickly, and Yousuf will once again be that energetic little boy you remember. Whatever you go through; don't let your faith get weaker. Know that this is a test from Allah (swt), and that he is the all-knowing.
    Once this test is over Insha'Allah, Allah(swt) will graciously reward you for your hardships and efforts. May he be Quratu-3ayn for you and everyone else Insha'Allah!
    He is in our every duaa' and prayer, may Allah (swt) accept what is best for him. Whatever you need, we are all here for you, dear sister.

    -Veiled Knight