Nearing the End

At our last visit the doctor pulled out the road map, the last page, to show me what was left, one more round of vin cristine (chemo) and one more round of his steroids. Dr. Dreyers was very distinguished with her short spiky hair cut and her high heels you never saw her without. She’s only been Yousuf’s doctor a few times over the passed few years but I believe her to be the most upbeat and exciting doctor. Her involvement in Periwinkle Foundation and the camp has proven her to be one of the most sincere doctors, right a long with Dr. Margolin. I have been blessed to have such wonderful doctors at Texas Children’s. Of course, nothing but smiles and a huge sigh of relief filled the tiny doctors office. It was a happy occasion just knowing that the end was right around the corner. Though I feel happy I also feel my levels of anxiety rising. Nearing the end is making me reminisce the beginning and the long bumpy road behind us. I almost feel the same worry I had in the very beginning. Yousuf’s sickness created a whole knew life for me, a whole new purpose. All the hospital visits, the needle sticks, the kicking and screaming - it became so much a part of me. Yes, it was sad and I felt so much pain every time Yousuf felt pain, or was afraid but it became who I am to be the one to feel the pain a long with him. I was the guard to keep the nurses safe from Yousuf’s kicks. I was the hand he could squeeze to reassure him I was still there at times I was unable to hold him. I became used to scanning his blood results: hemoglobin, anc, platelets; and memorize the numbers. I would compare it to the last visits, question and analyze what possible reasons there could have been that it got higher or lower. I’ve had to check medicine bottles on a consistent basis to make sure we had enough until Yousuf’s next visit. There were times when Yousuf would choke on some of the medicines and spit them back up, from the horrible taste, so we run out before the next visit. I would estimate, in my head, a week from his round of chemo to know when his counts would drop. My brain was in constant action with what Yousuf could or couldn’t do, why he didn’t eat very much, and why he was having a temper tantrum. Now, despite it being great news, a joy, a comfort, I’m feeling afraid, confused and lost. I feel as though I have been this jail bird locked away for three years. Yes, it’s made me reevaluate my life, become better and grow, but it has also defined who I am -as a person, a mother. The prisoner, when released, has waited years to be free but once it has been granted feels a struggle to redefine themselves. They definitely don’t want to be who they were before and have been dreaming of who they’ll be next but struggle with the transition as soon as it rises. I’m having the same feeling as I did when I had to let Yousuf’s hands go and just let him walk. I stopped looking through the eyes of an average mother when Yousuf was 3 ½ years old. How will I just be an average mom but still be an extraordinary one? What will I do every two weeks? What medicine will I spoon feed or 7 year old will I cradle after surgeries? Who I will be now? The doctor pulled out that last page of Yousuf’s road map and after all these years it’s finally come to an end. I’m looking forward to the new road to go down, a much happier one, a much greater one… and pray that wherever the road takes us the journey will always make me better.

Cancer of Syria

This one little special boy of mine caught cancer, an invasion of bad cells in his young fragile body. One bad cell that went wrong could have ended his life, just as many have gone through and some have not made it. We cry over those children, we donate for research to help find a cure for those children. Case studies and experimental treatments were all designed to increase the chances of survival. Many many organizations and foundations were created and specifically engineered for children in need of support who travel down the roads of treatments, hospitalizations, and procedures . While I am honored to be served and supported by many, I think about another boy just like Yousuf in Syria, who just watched his family die before his eyes. Where is his child life specialist to hold his hand? Where are all the doctors to fight back the invasion of diseased tyrannical rulers? The pain medications to sooth the wounded hearted following the slaughter of a family member or even an entire family? My child gets to pick a toy from a treasure chest after a needle injection due to the fear and sharp pain. What about the child, who didn’t choose where he was born in the world, but has to choose where he is safest to hide, where he might or might not survive at all. What about that child? What about those families? Who will make their wish, give them a retreat, or fill their hearts with hope? Oppressive Leaders are just like cancer, they destroy our brothers and sisters of humanity. They spread their diseased hearts among their regime and get stronger the larger they get. There is not one right way to fight them or cure to prevent them, but they exist. They kill and they kill until their invasion is complete.

We can’t just sit back and wait for the world to heal itself. We have to make an effort to “fight back” help support, and be there for that scared innocent child, or that mother or father who means the world to that child, the aunt or uncle that is all they have left, or the one individual that is left all alone. What if we left cancer to defeat itself over time? Left the sick to just die? Where would our world be right now? What would our hearts look like? Instead the journey of cancer and its treatments has opened new worlds filled of people who have opened their hands, hearts and minds. It changes far more than just the one afflicted. Maybe the only effort I can make is small but if a simple smile and kind word can sooth my son through shots and drugs then I will take my chance. Spreading love and kindness is the only way to counteract the spread of hate, even if we can only help one heart at a time. Have you asked yourself what can I do to help?

A Heart Found

Periwinkle Family Camp: Arriving

It was a long rainy drive to get here but after busy streets and long dark wet roads we arrived to Camp For All. We joined with 7 other families and counselors, whom which most were long term survivors. We all sat in a covered basketball court around a fire, which huge fans controlled the smoke. We all introduced ourselves and told our story why we were there. There were some with Leukemia, just like Yousuf, one girl early in her treatment. Another boy who finished his 3 ½ year treatment then relapsed 4 months later received a bone marrow transplant and is doing better now. There was another girl, due to her cancer, had to get both eyes removed. Our retreat was shared with a mother and son who went through ALL, and finished treatment for a while and are doing great.

There was marshmallow roasting, smo’res and skits. We all stood in a circle side by side and sang a song, “The world’s greatest” with “dance moves” to the song, all except the little blind girl who stood next to us. I glanced around the circle at the enthusiastic dad clapping and smiling, the long term survivor sitting in a wheel chair waving his hands in the air, the little girl who just started growing her hair back…and Yousuf standing right beside me holding his arms up as if flexing his muscles right after singing, “Hey, we made it, I’m the world’s greatest”. I smiled… what a camp! What a family!

Activity Day

I’m speechless after 14 hours of the most amazing hours of my life. I’m sad to see them gone so fast. Our retreat was lovely, warm and cozy. Originally, I was worried how it was going to be. Was there going to be coffee in the morning? If someone saw that I brought a blow dryer would they laugh at me? I was immediately relaxed when I first walked in the retreat to find the family I shared it with. The mom asked me, right away, if I had a brought a hair dryer because she forgot hers. I was grinning big, while on the corner of my eye I saw a coffee maker, fridge and even the wifi device sitting on the table. That’s a nice way to “camp” I thought.

Yousuf went rock climbing, went on a zip line, did fishing, canoeing, horseback riding, pet ponies, a rabbit named “Pillow” and made some really neat arts and crafts. He even baked cookies and made his own frosting stuffed with blue dye and sprinkles. I took one bite, forced a smile, and stuffed the rest in my pocket for “later”. I won’t tell him the complete truth about that until later.

There were really too many wonderful people I met, great stories I heard and feelings I felt. So, I just thought I would mention some GEMS or awesome moments where I either wanted to laugh, cry or take a deep breath, or just some inspirational thoughts.

Camp Periwinkle doesn’t tell you to shoot for the stars; there… you are the star.

Yousuf raced ahead of me to get his breakfast tray, not telling the server “no sausage” so I had to bring the tray back up and try to explain it to the cafeteria workers. They seemed a little confused on what I wanted, so while I stood there briefly, one of the fathers (who is like 6.5) walked by and asked what the problem was. I just told him my son accidently grabbed this tray not realizing this was pork. He immediately took it and said he didn’t want to see food being wasted. Then the cafeteria lady saw me standing there empty handed asking me if I wanted another tray. Uhh…That’s what I’ve been trying to ask for  I thought! The guy made it easy and made me laugh, too.

Canoeing in the rain with my little 6 ½ year old son and future long term survivor, insha’Allah-God willing, in a camp made specifically for kids with disabilities, specifically for Yousuf. The moment was bliss and the memory forever.

A long time ago Yousuf saw the picture, in a magazine I was reading, of the girl’s brain, which only had half of one. He acted as if he was reaching in his own head and grabbed a portion of his brain and he put his hands out and told me, “She can have half of mine, mama.” After watching the little blind girl win bingo and go up and get a prize, I thought, I wish I could do that with my eyes. If only I could give her just one.

We got to color a pillowcase which read, “Take Me Back to Camp”. It was made for a little girl, who went to camp then had to go back to the hospital shortly after. She cried for them to take her back to camp. She never got that chance. They made her a pillowcase with her words…and story to go on forever.

Hearing the other families call us “family” and the idea of being able to follow their progress in their life has given me excitement and motivation to get the most out of all of this.
Being escorted and served by the people who were once in my shoes was an honor and the priceless gift of hope.

Cancer changed my heart, but Periwinkle filled it with love.

A "wish float" is making a wish then lighting a candle then sending them down the river, only the weather was bad so we made ours standing under a covered basketball court and shivering under blankets. My wish was, “To live in a cancer free world where everyone had a heart of a cancer patient, which is filled with love, courage, hope and strength.” Then I let Yousuf say a wish, which was, “For it not to be cold and rainy tomorrow.” It gave us a nice laugh to go with the tears.

May God continue to brighten up the world, as the fireworks lit up the dark sky that night, with these beautiful children.

Paxton

As soon as we signed in at the cancer floor there was a man, holding a clipboard, waiting to talk to me. He handed me the clipboard that held paperwork for me to sign to give permission that Yousuf could be recorded for an upcoming fundraiser they were preparing for. Yousuf ran over to see their puppet performance while I sat on the couch filling out the paperwork. While flipping through pages on the clipboard a little girl caught my glance as she came running in the room. She ran straight to the colorful cow statue and sat underneath it. It was then that I caught HER eye. Her face lit up and she smiled when she saw me, as if she knew me. She was a very pretty little girl with long golden colored curls framing her tiny little 19 month old baby face. She was adorable and I was delighted when she approached me. Her parents were standing close by but seemingly lost in place and in thought. It was only when she kept bringing me books and dumping them in my lap did they stop and apologize. I told them no need to apologize she is very sweet. Again, her parents would seem to drift off in thought, as if in a new world, not one they seemed to be too happy about being in either. While she was rummaging through the books on the shelf (which she seemed to love) her dad said aloud if there were any Elmo books, since she loves Elmo. No Elmo, so Veggie Tales had to do. So she brought the book to me and opened it. As I began to read to her I realized that maybe that could make her parents uncomfortable since they seemed very aloof and reserved. I asked them if it was okay. Her dad said that she wouldn’t hear me anyway and would just keep grabbing more books. I asked her name and how old she was because she very friendly. They said her name was Paxton and she was 19 months old. It was then that their pager went off. Her dad scooped her up and told her to say thank you, but instead of saying it she and her dad put their hand to their chin used sign language to communicate it me. They walked off and I was left confused and feeling kind of silly. Was she deaf that whole time and that’s why her dad said she wouldn’t be able to hear the book? Or were they just teaching her the sign language as a way to communicate better with her since she’s under the age of talking? Either way that sweet little girl Paxton, with her bright long curly hair, keeps popping up in my mind and my dreams.

I envisioned her journey similar to Yousuf’s. I could tell they were new and theirs was just beginning. I imagined her hair shedding strand by strand and seeing it on her pillow case, clothes, and in her food. Her parents watching their beautiful little girl transform into a bald chubby-faced child they no longer recognized. It was sad what I imagined but it may not be far from the reality, after all they are in the cancer center.

I’m glad that I came across her. I’m glad that I was reminded about “the before” and how seeing the most lively beautiful little person how quickly that image or reality can change with a simple diagnosis….a car accident, an injury or abduction. I confess that, at times when I a person rubs me the wrong way or I find someone I don’t necessarily click with or like, I imagine them bald holding an infusion tower and my feeling immediately changes to that of mercy. You can’t help but allow those images to shake your heart, no matter who it is.

Little kids, like Paxton, like Yousuf, remind us that these gifts, these beautiful things we have, not only in our hands, but our hands themselves are blessings from God. We cannot let ourselves forget that because if we do, we lose the most valuable gift: our hearts.

This is for you, Paxton…an Elmo book you didn’t find that day on the shelf. It will be waiting for you with your name on it. I hope it finds you happy, strong, and with the fastest recovery and healing.

Looking Forward

Yousuf held his shirt up so a doctor, that we happen to know in our community, could take a look at his port-o-cath. He was rough housing a bit and banged it pretty hard on something. It looks red and hurts when it’s gently touched. Insha’Allah, it is just bruised a bit and will be fine but we won’t know for sure until they access him and try to get a blood return. One of the first questions the doctor asked was what his platelet count was. I quickly answered about 220, which was just taken on Wednesday. I ran through my head all the other numbers…hemoglobin 10.2 and ANC 1.0. Then I thought to myself wow, I wonder how many people know exactly the different blood levels are in their kids body. Something to look forward to:

…The day that I don’t have to memorize them.

Hearing the numbers one day and making the same face of confusion that everybody else always gives me.

Tickling Yousuf without being extra careful not to come across his port.

Not hearing Yousuf ask me which drug will it be this time and hear a 6 year old pronounce words like antibiotic and pentamidine.

The only harmful substance affecting his blood will be large amounts of candy or soda.

Not measuring the acceptability of a place or thing by the amount of germs that it carries.

Not hearing friends or family tell me they want to visit and giving me all the current health statuses on themselves and their kids to reassure me that it’s okay.

Yousuf favoring another book at bedtime other than “Little Critter goes to the Hospital”

Not having the Texas Children’s Hospital message playing in my head all the time that calls me every week saying, “Hello, this is Texas Children’s Hospital with a reminder to confirm an appointment for YOU…SEF, with your doctor on Wednesday at Texas Children’s Cancer Center on the 14th floor of the Clinical Care Center…then it repeats it again.

I look forward to hearing new common words like “cancer free” and “Long term survivor”. I also look forward to being on the other side of the waiting room. While other’s dazzle us with puppet shows, crafts, and performances I look forward to opportunities to making other sick children and their families smile through all the above and even more. Right now I’m a little too busy going through it myself but, while one day our cancer will be history, we will never be! We’ll just be on the other side waiting for our friends to join us.

The Smile Specialist

I've been thinking lately that, by the end of all of this, I should get some sort of certificate of completion. I've learned a lot in these couple years and am not finished yet! Despite all the knowledge, the deepest questions remain unanswered on the how's and why's. I can only guess and allow it to make me grow. But Yousuf and I are not the only one's gaining a growth spurt of inspiration through all of this.

Many of our trips were accompanied by Yousuf's older sister. I don't like to call her his half sister. No matter what people recognize her as, she is still fully his sister in relation and at heart. She, too should be recognized, at the end of this entire course, for all her support and experience she's gained. She was the first person Yousuf sat in her lap during a port access and didn't cry. She witnessed the first spinal tap in the clinic (not the operating room), and was present for many others. Although, the experience itself can be devastating and sad. We've managed to enjoy our trips to Texas Children's Hospital when she came along. She's joined in with making cookie and fruit baskets for the other patients as well as filled our doctor's room with laughter. One particular experience she saw Yousuf go through was with the Child Life Specialist. These ladies impress us all on how they can sooth the most stressful babies and kids. It's inspirational and an honor to be among those whose job is to purely make someone smile and wipe away the tears. Here are her words....


I step down from the van,
with a wailing child in my hand.

It's time for the chemotherapy to start,
but this child shouldn't have to;
I can't bear it in my heart.

While others are enjoying their health,
while others are enjoying their wealth,
never asking or giving a care,
or wondering if sometimes life isn't fair,

They seem to think that everyone is fine,
but what about this little brother of mine.

It was only at the tender age of three
that cancer was discovered in his little body.

While sitting on the 14th floor,
my brother and I were in for a bore.

I then saw a little boy who caught my attention in a blink of an eye.
Although none of the kids were happy, and all gave a sigh,

This little boy was particularly expressionless.
I approached him- asked if I could sit and rest.

He stared at me with a blank expression,
then turned back to the PlayStation.

I thought this kid was as cold as ice,
but that's when I saw he could actually be nice.

A sweet, young lady walked in through the door,
she was someone all the children seemed to adore.

Across the boy’s face spread a huge, toothy smile,
one you could say was as wide as a mile.

He started to talk, laugh and excitedly shout.
He only talked to this one lady about…
everything he kept inside,
never speaking until she arrived.

This one special person made a difference in many children's lives,
earning a humble salary but more than a million high-fives.
I've been inspired to become a Child Life specialist
and make every sick child an optimist.

Although life may be tough,
I hope that one day I'll be enough.

So as days of the years go by,
and I ask myself daily, “What have I accomplished so far?”
I hope to say, “I made a little child's day!”

Medicine Mix-up

Despite it being over two years of Yousuf taking medicine, mistakes still happen. I’m pretty much on target when it comes to which pill on which days, which week he has his chemo vs. his blood counts, but I made a huge mistake the other day. While sprinkling crushed steroid on top of a spoonful of applesauce, I had company that I was visiting with. While I was standing in the kitchen, holding the spoonful of medicine, chit chatting away Omar came in front of me and opened his mouth wide. Yes, I stuck the whole thing in his mouth. I immediately picked him up, held him over the sink squeezing his mouth screaming to spit it out. He did manage to spit out some, but I instinctively stuck my finger down his throat to throw up the rest. After I finished gagging him I paged the oncologist on call right away. I was consoling poor Omar while waiting for the return call, only wondering if what I did was good enough or we would be taking a trip to the ER.

Alhamdulilah, they returned the call pretty quickly and said it was even alright if he had swallowed the entire dose. It was also okay if Yousuf had missed his dose because of that. Deep breath in…and out Alhamdulilah. Lesson learned. Future caution will be taken.

Sick to...real life

Almost 2 years ago I was sucked into this new unknown world. A world of spoonfuls of applesauce every night with crushed pills on top. A world of hospital trips, timed meals, and blood counts. I have to arrange schedules according to doctor’s appointments and spinal taps. I need to be aware of borderline low ANC levels and activities Yousuf is engaged in or sick kids who he is around, and whether that is a threat or not. I have a middle child who demands a spoonful of applesauce along with Yousuf’s (minus the medicine) almost every night. The spinal taps were tough but I was used to the procedure and the pacu waiting rooms. I’m dreading his upcoming spinal tap by remembering the last. With other kids growing up, every day normal life is already difficult, now I have to juggle Yousuf’s treatment along with it.

Last doctor’s visit Yousuf was infused with his vin cristine in a new way. The clear liquid has been confused with the other chemo drug, methotrexate (which is shot into yousuf’s spinal cord during spinal taps). If vin cristine is injected into the spinal cord it is fetal. Some hospitals have been known to make the mistake between the two drugs. They now put the vin cristine in a clear square bag and hold it above the nurses head and let gravity infuse the medicine into his port-o-cath. A tad bit more time consuming but better on the body, I assume. I was ready to grab a snack in the eating lounge but had to step over a stack of towels covering throw-up. Once I sat down to munch, back in the T.V. room, the little girl next to me vomited all over herself. This medicine doesn’t belong in their bodies, I thought to myself, but neither does cancer.

No matter how drastic and sucked up in the sick world I am in the hospital, real world issues and life take over as soon as I exit. My other children demand my time, love and attention. They don’t cut me any slack knowing that Yousuf’s next spinal tap haunts me or that I was stuck in the hospital all day dodging piles of throw up and shedded hairs on couches. I have to stretch myself out…just as all the other parents in that waiting room have to do. A little more than a year to go. I must get through it.

Lawyer Business

Patrick had called me back to meet with him and a couple other lawyers. I started to get excited thinking that was great news…and it could be. I entered today’s meeting with mixed feelings. After I had done some research on my own I realized that a lady had fought against an incinerator being placed upon the site in order to rid the chemicals that way. The lady raised the issue to protect our air, of course. After having it approved and spending 2.5 million dollars to place part of the incinerator on the land it was never done due to opposition from residents. I can’t even imagine that they approved such a thing. They ended up burying the contamination under 45 feet of clay. In 2010 it leaked but not causing an “IMMEDIATE threat”. Nice.

When I asked someone if they would allow the lawyer to contact them they said they could not help since they signed a waiver, like everyone else in this neighborhood, saying that they would not sue Lennar for any property damage or anything regarding the Brio Site. According to what I’ve heard from home owners they were open and clear regarding the Brio Site. One person checked with the EPA to ensure it was actually safe to live in this area. Well, after learning about them lowering the bar on the standards of what is considered safe for us I can’t help but not trust anyone now. I knew that whatever had to be done by a lawyer had to be deep and would take its risks.

Today’s meeting was informative. We met with Patrick and one other lawyer who works mostly on leukemia cases. Afterwards, I’m really wondering why he came in the first place. He asked a few questions and explained why our case was so difficult. When Brio Site was going on people were getting paid. A lot. Some people even would race to get a home during the litigation to turn around try to get part of the money. It wasn’t just a clean cut case. It was a mess, he said. For the subject to open up again they would probably pay a lot of expensive lawyers to stop this from happening. They want to keep a cap on it before more cases start cropping up again costing them even more money. Which means for us more investigation and deeper understanding of Brio…and more money. The lawyer said he would be happy to do that but eventually he wouldn’t have a place to live. So the saying “money talks” is applied this case, unfortunately. Keith, the “leukemia lawyer” said he wanted to come talk with us today but will not have any part in this case. He, of course said this after telling us he believes this is why our son got cancer. I almost cried but hid it rather well. Patrick said he has worked with some lawyers for a long time who turned out to be lawyers who were directly involved in the Brio Site case. He will be contacting them to see if they could be of any help.

My new mission is to find a home far away from this place.

Erin Brochovich ll

I’m used to being second, I guess….second child, second wife and now Erin Brochovich the second. I wish to achieve similar successes as her. I met with the lawyer yesterday and it went pretty well. As we were walking to his office I was nervous but became comfortable as soon as he entered the room. The excitement on what he was about to say was all I had left in my body.

Basically, he was saying that he will be investigating the Brio Superfund Site, try and figure out what chemicals were disposed of there and if they are linked to the type of Leukemia Yousuf has. By May 13th he will decide if he will take the case, but we are free to get another lawyer during that time. Meanwhile, I need to be gathering as much information on the neighbors that were stripping up carpets and replacing it with hard floors to rid their child’s chronic coughing. I need to gather medical records on my kids chronic coughing and Omar’s rare genetic disorder. I will be busy and obsessed about this until we reach the end.

The lawyer also mentioned how, unfortunate it is that the people who fund these industries are also the people who run the country and have control on the standard of what is acceptable. Environmentalists, who have lower funding and who would also put a much stricter guidelines on these issues, have no control. Big industries couldn’t care less on the few lives that they may sacrifice (such as my son Yousuf) at the cost of millions and millions. At this point you could see the thick tears lining my bottom eyelid. I struggled to maintain my composure and from keeping myself from slamming my hands on the larger oval wooden table and screaming.

Please make du’a (prayers) that we have a case, win the case and make a difference somehow to save anymore families from this trial. Again, if you live near the Brio Superfund Site (Dixie Farm Road/ Beamer/ Scarsdale area) or know of someone please contact me.

Brio Superfund

By the end of Yousuf’s treatment, in about one more year, I would love to have all the answers. I would love to know exactly how and why he got sick and how to prevent it for others. Unfortunately, it will probably always remain a mystery. Survival is of primary importance, next for him to stay healthy, but with all we've gone through, I want more. I have become aware that just half a mile from my home there is an empty lot of land that used to be an entire neighborhood called South Bend and an elementary school named Weber Elementary School. They were completely terminated after realizing they were built partially on and right next to a witches brew of toxic waste dumps. Babies born with birth defects, cases of leukemia, miscarriages and other illnesses were discovered. A father and previous resident of that community, who also worked for one of the chemical plants responsible said,

"As it turns out, the field actually belonged to a defunct chemical disposal company called Brio Refining Inc. Over the course of nearly 30 years until 1982, a number of companies had dumped highly toxic byproducts from Houston’s petrochemical industries into the ground with no reliable means of containment. The site was so toxic that the EPA put the Brio Site on the Superfund list, a federal program that came out of the Love Canal scandal of the late 1970’s, marking Brio for toxic waste cleanup".

The story has become overwhelmingly sad for me to research. Do I think that this is the cause of Yousuf’s cancer? No. Do I think that it played a part in him getting cancer? Yes, I do. I don’t believe that any one “thing” can be responsible for something like this. People can argue then, why aren’t their kids getting sick, too? I don't think it's that simple. I live in a predominately Asian community, which is not high on the list for getting childhood leukemia….at least not yet :(. Childhood cancers are higher in white and Hispanic populations, Yousuf is both. Could it be that added factor? I will never know but I will definitely work on eliminating reasons that I CAN for him to be cured such as the healthy diet and living in a safer environment. The other aspects I will just stay actively aware of the statistics.

The Brio Superfund taught me something else…It’s important to be active in one’s community. My goal is to ensure people know of Yousuf’s cancer and that cases of it are still existing in nearby communities. I will not let this whole experience of holding my son down with all of his kicking and screaming on a biweekly basis just pass…justice for all, as much as I can do.

If anyone knows of anyone living in this neighborhood or went to Weber Elementary School please contact me at ummyousuf@gmail.com or please post a comment. I would love to have more knowledge of the Brio Superfund.

http://www.khou.com/news/local/Leak-brings-new-concerns-at-Brio-Superfund-site-95662764.html

National Social Worker Month

Serene has had a really bad cough since the first week she was born. Six months later she’s still coughing. As of now it is still a mystery. We are running all sorts of tests on her as well as giving her breathing treatments, which seems to be working so far. Admittedly, I still have a habit of thinking of worst case scenarios. After getting blustered by the news of Yousuf and even Omar, with his (not harmful) yet rare genetic disorder, anything rare becomes possible. Before they rarely even crossed my mind. I was at Texas Children’s Hospital with Serene for 4 hours trying to find an answer. I was only sent home with a baby with two ear infections and completely clear lungs…Alhamdulilah. Good news isn’t always the best news at the time when trying to find a solution, though since the problem with her chronic cough still exists.

I got home from the ER at 11:30pm and was due back in the morning at TCH for Yousuf’s round of chemo-therapy. It wasn’t even a matter of dispute that his father was happy to take him for me, alhamdulilah. Carrying Serene from building to building in the ER that night was exhausting but the final walk back to finally leave I looked up and on the outside of the building hung a banner: “March is National Social Worker Month.” Next to it hung another smaller banner saying: “Thank Child Life!” I remembered Dayna, the child life specialist who is always there in the cancer center helping both of us cope through all the different procedures. She always used to make sure Yousuf was stocked up on medical supplies to perform the same exact procedures on his teddy bear. It was therapeutic for him and allowed Yousuf to understand what he was going through and why. Even now, he opens his mouth wide every night to get that spoonful of apple sauce with sprinkled crushed medicine, and he asks, “This is making me better right mama?” By the will of Allah (swt) prayer, healthy eating and all the medicine taking will cure him, insha’Allah. Yousuf has been in remission for 1 and 9 months, so now we are just anxious to say the word CURED…and even better “long term survivor” old in his age, insha’Allah.
Though it was late I still managed to stop by the store and buy Miss Dayna some beautiful orchids and a Dr. Seuss Thank You card along with it.

Thanks to Child Life Specialists that walk the floors of Texas Children’s Hospital, we are making it through this test and even have made it enjoyable at times.

Spinal Tap LIVE

Yousuf claimed that the fish decals, decorating the doctor’s office, were swimming after his spinal tap and before the “funny gas” wore off. I wasn’t sure to laugh or cry. Dr. Margolin was right; the wait to get the spinal tap in the clinic was way shorter. It was also less hectic not being forced to go back and forth between the surgery floor and the cancer floor. I’m still not sure which one I’d prefer.

Yousuf went on his glucose fluids before his spinal tap while being deprived other drinks or food. Despite all that trouble Yousuf portrayed the same sick symptoms as before while fasting. He began to look pale and acted lethargic. I immediately told the nurse hoping she could speed things up. Cara (the nurse practitioner) came and did her routine examination and prepped him for surgery. Everything was new for me so I wasn’t acting as cool and confident during instructions. I didn’t know what was allowed or not allowed during the procedure…or if I was even allowed to be there.

Cara and the nurses carried on as though Yousuf was just getting another shot. The child life specialist was by our side dazzling Yousuf with a tiny DVD player and gentle voice as he began to drift into another world. Still awake Yousuf didn’t seem to care what was going on around him just as long as the T.V. remained within eye level. Everything appeared to be in slow motion as I witnessed all of this for the first time. Cara began to draw a smiley face on Yousuf’s lower back then rubbed a ton of brown fluid all around the area. I wanted to ask so many questions but my focus was on Yousuf ensuring he would be okay; if I appeared worried than Yousuf would feel it. Out came the long thick needle, but my eyes were mostly on Yousuf. Just as she penetrated his back Yousuf screamed and squirmed. All the nurses came around to hold him down in order to continue the procedure correctly. I reassured myself that Yousuf was too drugged and began with my questions…”Why is he screaming? What does he feel? Are you sure it doesn’t hurt him?” The child life specialist was there calming me down more than him. She explained that they feel a lot pressure in the lower back, not pain. However, it’s not normal to feel that amount of pressure there so it scares some kids. What was even in more slow motion was the pulling out that gigantic needle from his back. The needle was long enough to reach through to his stomach. As soon as the needle was pulled out I gasped and started crying, “I don’t like it this way!! I don’t like it this way! I don’t it the other way. I DON’T like it!” Cara looked up, as she was still crouched down with her head still near the procedure area. I felt as though she was more amazed by my tantrum than that of Yousuf’s.

Immediately following the procedure Yousuf continued lying on the hospital bed as in a trance. He was drooling and kept raising his head trying to figure out what was going on then would plop his head back down. That’s when he looked a bit amazed at the moving fish and revolving door he could have sworn didn’t exist just moments ago. The Child Life Specialist reassured me that his behavior was within normal and to give this method another try, maybe upping his dose of anesthesia next time.

It was then that I was reminded how hard the situation really is. With everything a routine now, watching what was done in the operating room usually behind my back really affected me. I began to calculate just how many more spinals we have left. I was too exhausted to do math. I was a ready to call it quits for the day but wasn’t aware of the full day ahead of traffic and two other crying kids demanding my attention and love.

By the end of day I sat in the kid’s room as they were drifting to sleep, head in my hands, and cried. Omar snuck out of bed and gave me a kiss. I calmed down a bit and skimmed through my missed calls and messages. I held the phone up to my ear as I listened to my voice messages still sniffing from all the crying. “This is Niki, from Make-A-Wish foundation; we spoke about a month ago regarding your son Yousuf. I wanted to let you know that Yousuf is eligible for a wish.” Yes, I memorized the whole message she left. I replayed it at least a dozen times. I began laughing and crying. I knew it wasn’t a light at THE END of the tunnel but a spark of happiness to continue my journey through.

A Prickling Singer

Have you heard anything that could drown out the powerful voice of an opera singer? I have. Today during Yousuf’s blood check the cancer kids were visited by a Houston Opera House singer. I was mesmerized as this woman came and sat down with all the children on the 14th floor. They sat in their chairs surrounding her in a circle. She sang about red. She sang about blue, orange and yellow. I never thought that the colors of the rainbow could make my lip quiver like that. It wasn’t just the amazing voice without instruments or back ground music. It wasn’t just the echoing of her voice so loud it ricocheted all through the halls on the floor but that this amazing woman came to sing to my child. She came to make a struggling family smile.


As usual the buzzer went off notifying us that is was Yousuf’s turn. His dad tapped on his shoulder and pulled him away from the circle. He left with ease and quite calmly. I couldn’t hear what he was asking but, from experience, I’m sure he was asking whether it was the “finger” one or the “port” one. I have to admit that as I had to prepare to give blood with a finger prick, I cringed internally right before. It’s something about the anticipation of pain that is more stressful than the pain itself. I continued watching the lady interact with the kids so enthusiastically in rhythm and in beat. I winced as I heard Yousuf waling, as if trying to give some background music to the lady’s performance. I felt tears start to come but instead just thought to myself, jokingly, that perhaps they came to look for future performers. After all, what better place to look in than that of a place who exercises kids lungs the most.

Second Year on Maintenance

I was holding Serene in her little cute dress with her bare feet dangling down. I glanced down and saw red dots on the top of her foot. As soon as my eyelids opened a second time to see her feet I looked at it as if it were identical to the tiny red dots called petechiae that were behind Yousuf’s ear when he was diagnosed. I became dizzy and my heart started pounding hard. When I looked a third time I took a deep breath seeing that they were just tiny scratches. As a typical 6 month old she likes to hold her feet and perhaps it’s time to cut her nails once again. Just when I started to think I was recovering! I wonder when I will be able to look at a sick symptom and NOT think of the worst case scenerio of it's cause and reason. We started the second year of maintenance late January. This is what I can say about it now…

Counts are high and medicine is increased every 2nd high blood count (about once a month). Yousuf is currently on 6 methotrexate pills every Wednesday, Mercaptapurine every night,6 2.5 ml of the steroids for 5 days every month, pentamidine once a month, and of course the round of chemo every month and spinal taps every 3 months.

During the 5 days of steroids I have made a habit of having some sort of food easily accessible for Yousuf for in-the-middle-of-night cravings, so I don’t actually have to get up.

When Yousuf starts acting more sensitive to a situation….even more so than his usual self I automatically think what time of the month is it and if he just had his round of chemo.

I’ve memorized the hospital’s number, have the valet on speed dial, and know just how to talk to get what I want and who I want on the phone.

When the computers are down the pharmacists will go ahead and prepare the prescription knowing Yousuf’s name and drug he needs.

The pharmacy no longer offers medicine syringes with medicine knowing they have given me at least 30 already.

I’ve not only memorized the “on hold” messages they make you listen to for TCH, but I have memorized it in Spanish, too.

I’ve had a chance to give blood and enjoyed every minute of it…even the pricking of my finger and the needle poke. People kept looking at me weird when I kept trying to plaster the lose band aid on my fingertip, excited to run home and show Yousuf.

A lifetime of always wanting to be at my thinnest I actually would rather stay the weight that is required to give blood.

I took Yousuf to his regular pediatrician and we sort of laughed at Yousuf’s growth chart. There is usually a tiny dot on the chart where his age and weight meet telling his percentile. Yousuf has a solid line due to how many times his height and weight have been taken since 3-5 years old.

I have fantastic judgment on the limit of people that fit in the elevator at TCH …strollers and all.

I can tell his story without crying now.

I still tear every once in a while when a painful memory arises or happy memory that reminds me of how blessed I am to have Yousuf.

When Yousuf gets excited about an item at the grocery store he turns it to the ingredients and asks me if it's junky for him.

I’ve collected about 15 oxygen masks (from surgeries) and started saving the empty medicine bottles. I’m thinking art project.

Despite all the hospital visits, lumber punctures, and finger pricks Yousuf still seems to act and display the most normal typical 5 ½ year old behavior, both in his mental and physical functioning. He might be above average in sweetness though. This, I must admit, I am not thankful enough to Allah (swt) for.

Mother Knows Best!

I don’t know what to call Texas Children’s Hospital other than my home away from home. Yousuf is starting his 6th cycle now (each cycle is 3 months). They always begin with a spinal tap and, of course, the monthly dexamethosone steroid. He’s been improving every month, in regards to, his side effects of the drug. He’s a bit sensitive at times but overall he’s more himself than ever. Last week was his scheduled spinal in the PACU, and he had to fast as usual, nothing to eat or drink. Our appt was 7:20am but by the time he got there he still wanted something to quench his thirst. The routine of his complaining goes right along with his routine treatments. By the time we reached the 7th floor of PACU he started crying and laying in my lap over hunger pains. I told nurses that he needs to be up on the list since this extreme behavior was new. We still waited and waited. Yousuf began crying and telling me he was scared. By that time the nurse came to get him for his “operation”. I had to carry him he was so weak. Right on time when we entered the room he vomited on the operating table and collapsed on the floor gagging some more while dangling from my arms like a limp puppet. They began to tell me that the procedure is now cancelled and they can’t do any anesthesia in his condition. Bending with my arms wrapped around his chest and trying to pick up his limp body I cried, “What IS his condition!? What’s wrong with him?” Finally, with help, we got him on the table and one of the nurses kept his head from tilting over and eyes rolling in the back of his head. She kept trying to make eye contact and asked him if he knew where he was and if he could understand her. He nodded his head and we gave him sips of sprite right away. We got him wheel chaired back up to the cancer floor and back to see the doctor, but in seclusion just in case he was at the beginning of an illness. After some fluids and whatever crackers they had available he perked up and was back to normal. Dr. Margolin said due to him acting hypoglycemic we will have him on fluids for any future procedures.

Rescheduled on Monday, (today), we started with the same routine of port access and blood test. Last visit and this visit were his first and second port accesses he didn’t cry during. We celebrated that last time, this time not so much. His fluids were started and we headed downstairs to PACU for his procedure, strolling around an infusion tower this time. The PACU was packed as ever and little brother Omar was enjoying all the toys and play cars to ride in. He also enjoyed yanking Yousuf’s tube connected to his port. Yousuf wailed and screamed at Omar and sat still holding his side. He kept complaining of pain so I asked the nurse to check it out. I’m not sure what they THINK checking it out means but two nurses reassured me it was fine. I told myself I will also have the nurses in the operating room check it. Yousuf was very nervous that I had to drag him in the operating room and sit him on the table. I’m definitely used to his nervousness so I remained calm knowing this behavior was normal while a couple of the new nurses were trying to dazzle him with funny questions. I told him about what his brother had done to check his port. I told him two other nurses checked it but please check it again. I’m thinking since they can’t see anything swelling up and two other nurses okayed it then it must be okay. Wrong thinking. The nurse draped a warm blanket over him and began to entertain Yousuf with more funny questions about cartoon characters. I frowned thinking maybe I didn’t hear him tell them he was cold. Then I saw her sneak the fat syringe of white liquid under his blanket and attach it to the tube connected to his port. I felt very uncomfortable and upset at her technique on trying to trick him. As soon as she pushed it he began screaming. I immediately jumped up and said this isn’t normal. “Why is he screaming? Why is he screaming? Check his port!” By this time the entire syringe of medicine was administered and they said that he can still feel the medicine go in that’s why. I told them “NO, he’s done this a TON of times and he’s never like this.” They finally lifted his shirt and it was as if there was tiny football under his skin on his side. I began screaming at them, “I told you something was wrong! I know my son, I know my son and when something is wrong!” They just stood there dumbfounded and couldn’t say a word. I just cried and cried looking at him with his eyes shut but his arms swinging and legs kicking as the drug did not knock him out because most of it was there protruding from his belly in a liquid ball under his skin. They pulled out the needle and lightly pushed out some of that white liquid seeing, in fact, that most of it was the drug and not just the fluids they had been giving him. “Do you give us permission to put an I.V. so we can get him calmed down in order to deal with this?” They asked still defending themselves from his swinging fists. I said yes as I watched them all hold him down to put another needle in his hand. “Can you leave so we can continue the procedure?” My only response was me exited the room like a zombie.

It wasn’t 10 minutes before they called me back to the recovery room. I sat there numb for an hour and let us both recover. I was just staring off motionless and tired when Dr. Margolin appeared from the side of me watching my exhaustion in full understanding. We sat and discussed the situation and PACU isn’t working for us. In the future we will attempt to have the spinals done by Dr. Margolin herself with local anesthetics. It’s common for kids his age to get them in the clinic. I agreed. Anything done by Dr. Margolin over someone else is always preferred.

Yousuf remained handicapped the rest of the day requesting help to eat and use the restroom….which he used a lot from all the fluids he had. I was able to tap on his port to see if I could feel it or if it was still swollen. Yousuf just yelled at me and told me he could feel the port moving around inside him. I hope it’s better by morning. Lesson learned; no matter how educated and licensed any of these practitioners are I still know something WAY more than them: my son. Next time I will make my knowledge to them credible and make them LISTEN!

The story of Yousuf

I felt numb inside after today. As if the life was sucked out of my body and I had no emotional response anymore, but then began the deep hidden tears. Today was very stressful, and I will tell you all about it, but first I wanted to share what helped me through it. I realized that the cure for any sadness over Yousuf was in his very name: Surat-ul-Yousuf, the story of Joseph. I cracked open the Qur'an and became delighted in the great reminder of patience and it's virtue. The story doesn't just GIVE you patience but makes you excited to do it...beautiful patience, it's like nothing else. Subhana'Allah.

12. Surah Yusuf (Prophet Joseph)

1. Alif-Lam-Ra. [These letters are one of the miracles of the Qur'an, and none but Allah (Alone) knows their meanings].

These are the Verses of the Clear Book (the Qur'an that makes clear the legal and illegal things, legal laws, a guidance and a blessing).

2. Verily, We have sent it down as an Arabic Qur'an in order that you may understand.

3. We relate unto you (Muhammad ) the best of stories through Our Revelations unto you, of this Qur'an. And before this (i.e. before the coming of Divine Inspiration to you), you were among those who knew nothing about it (the Qur'an).

4. (Remember) when Yusuf (Joseph) said to his father: "O my father! Verily, I saw (in a dream) eleven stars and the sun and the moon, I saw them prostrating themselves to me."

5. He (the father) said: "O my son! Relate not your vision to your brothers, lest they arrange a plot against you. Verily! Shaitan (Satan) is to man an open enemy!

6. "Thus will your Lord choose you and teach you the interpretation of dreams (and other things) and perfect His Favour on you and on the offspring of Ya'qub (Jacob), as He perfected it on your fathers, Ibrahim (Abraham) and Ishaque (Isaac) aforetime! Verily, your Lord is All-Knowing, All-Wise."

7. Verily, in Yusuf (Joseph) and his brethren, there were Ayat (proofs, evidences, verses, lessons, signs, revelations, etc.) for those who ask.

8. When they said: "Truly, Yusuf (Joseph) and his brother (Benjamin) are loved more by our father than we, but we are 'Usbah (a strong group). Really, our father is in a plain error.

9. "Kill Yusuf (Joseph) or cast him out to some (other) land, so that the favour of your father may be given to you alone, and after that you will be righteous folk (by intending repentance before committing the sin)."

10. One from among them said: "Kill not Yusuf (Joseph), but if you must do something, throw him down to the bottom of a well, he will be picked up by some caravan of travellers."

11. They said: "O our father! Why do you not trust us with Yusuf (Joseph), - when we are indeed his well-wishers?"

12. "Send him with us tomorrow to enjoy himself and play, and verily, we will take care of him."

13. He [Ya'qub (Jacob)] said: "Truly, it saddens me that you should take him away. I fear lest a wolf should devour him, while you are careless of him."

14. They said: "If a wolf devours him, while we are 'Usbah (a strong group) (to guard him), then surely, we are the losers."

15. So, when they took him away, they all agreed to throw him down to the bottom of the well, and We inspired in him:"Indeed, you shall (one day) inform them of this their affair, when they know (you) not."

16. And they came to their father in the early part of the night weeping.

17. They said:"O our father! We went racing with one another, and left Yusuf (Joseph) by our belongings and a wolf devoured him; but you will never believe us even when we speak the truth."

18. And they brought his shirt stained with false blood. He said: "Nay, but your ownselves have made up a tale. So (for me) patience is most fitting. And it is Allah (Alone) Whose help can be sought against that which you assert."

19. And there came a caravan of travellers; they sent their water-drawer, and he let down his bucket (into the well). He said: "What good news! Here is a boy." So they hid him as merchandise (a slave). And Allah was the All-Knower of what they did.

20. And they sold him for a low price, - for a few Dirhams (i.e. for a few silver coins). And they were of those who regarded him insignificant.

21. And he (the man) from Egypt who bought him, said to his wife: "Make his stay comfortable, may be he will profit us or we shall adopt him as a son." Thus did We establish Yusuf (Joseph) in the land, that We might teach him the interpretation of events. And Allah has full power and control over His Affairs, but most of men know not.

22. And when he [Yusuf (Joseph)] attained his full manhood, We gave him wisdom and knowledge (the Prophethood), thus We reward the Muhsinun (doers of good - see V.2:112).

23. And she, in whose house he was, sought to seduce him (to do an evil act), she closed the doors and said: "Come on, O you." He said: "I seek refuge in Allah (or Allah forbid)! Truly, he (your husband) is my master! He made my stay agreeable! (So I will never betray him). Verily, the Zalimun (wrong and evil-doers) will never be successful."

24. And indeed she did desire him and he would have inclined to her desire, had he not seen the evidence of his Lord. Thus it was, that We might turn away from him evil and illegal sexual intercourse. Surely, he was one of Our chosen, guided slaves.

25. So they raced with one another to the door, and she tore his shirt from the back. They both found her lord (i.e. her husband) at the door. She said: "What is the recompense (punishment) for him who intended an evil design against your wife, except that he be put in prison or a painful torment?"

26. He [Yusuf (Joseph)] said: "It was she that sought to seduce me," - and a witness of her household bore witness (saying): "If it be that his shirt is torn from the front, then her tale is true and he is a liar!

27. "But if it be that his shirt is torn from the back, then she has told a lie and he is speaking the truth!"

28. So when he (her husband) saw his [(Yusuf's (Joseph)] shirt torn at the back; (her husband) said: "Surely, it is a plot of you women! Certainly mighty is your plot!

29. "O Yusuf (Joseph)! Turn away from this! (O woman!) Ask forgiveness for your sin. Verily, you were of the sinful."

30. And women in the city said: "The wife of Al-'Aziz is seeking to seduce her (slave) young man, indeed she loves him violently; verily we see her in plain error."

31. So when she heard of their accusation, she sent for them and prepared a banquet for them; she gave each one of them a knife (to cut the foodstuff with), and she said [(to Yusuf (Joseph)]: "Come out before them." Then, when they saw him, they exalted him (at his beauty) and (in their astonishment) cut their hands. They said: "How perfect is Allah (or Allah forbid)! No man is this! This is none other than a noble angel!"

32. She said: "This is he (the young man) about whom you did blame me (for his love), and I did seek to seduce him, but he refused. And now if he refuses to obey my order, he shall certainly be cast into prison, and will be one of those who are disgraced."

33. He said:"O my Lord! Prison is more to my liking than that to which they invite me. Unless You turn away their plot from me, I will feel inclined towards them and be one (of those who commit sin and deserve blame or those who do deeds) of the ignorants."

34. So his Lord answered his invocation and turned away from him their plot. Verily, He is the All-Hearer, the All-Knower.

35. Then it appeared to them, after they had seen the proofs (of his innocence) to imprison him for a time.

36. And there entered with him two young men in the prison. One of them said: "Verily, I saw myself (in a dream) pressing wine." The other said: "Verily, I saw myself (in a dream) carrying bread on my head and birds were eating thereof." (They said): "Inform us of the interpretation of this. Verily, we think you are one of the Muhsinun (doers of good - see V.2:112)."

37. He said: "No food will come to you (in wakefulness or in dream) as your provision, but I will inform (in wakefulness) its interpretation before it (the food) comes. This is of that which my Lord has taught me. Verily, I have abandoned the religion of a people that believe not in Allah and are disbelievers in the Hereafter (i.e. the Kan'aniun of Egypt who were polytheists and used to worship sun and other false deities).

38. "And I have followed the religion of my fathers , - Ibrahim (Abraham), Ishaque (Isaac) and Ya'qub (Jacob), and never could we attribute any partners whatsoever to Allah. This is from the Grace of Allah to us and to mankind, but most men thank not (i.e. they neither believe in Allah, nor worship Him).

39. "O two companions of the prison! Are many different lords (gods) better or Allah, the One, the Irresistible?

40. "You do not worship besides Him but only names which you have named (forged), you and your fathers, for which Allah has sent down no authority. The command (or the judgement) is for none but Allah. He has commanded that you worship none but Him (i.e. His Monotheism), that is the (true) straight religion, but most men know not.

41. "O two companions of the prison! As for one of you, he (as a servant) will pour out wine for his lord (king or master) to drink; and as for the other, he will be crucified and birds will eat from his head. Thus is the case judged concerning which you both did inquire."

42. And he said to the one whom he knew to be saved: "Mention me to your lord (i.e. your king, so as to get me out of the prison)." But Shaitan (Satan) made him forget to mention it to his Lord [or Satan made [(Yusuf (Joseph)] to forget the remembrance of his Lord (Allah) as to ask for His Help, instead of others]. So [Yusuf (Joseph)] stayed in prison a few (more) years.

43. And the king (of Egypt) said: "Verily, I saw (in a dream) seven fat cows, whom seven lean ones were devouring - and of seven green ears of corn, and (seven) others dry. O notables! Explain to me my dream, if it be that you can interpret dreams."

44. They said: "Mixed up false dreams and we are not skilled in the interpretation of dreams."

45. Then the man who was released (one of the two who were in prison), now at length remembered and said: "I will tell you its interpretation, so send me forth."

46. (He said): "O Yusuf (Joseph), the man of truth! Explain to us (the dream) of seven fat cows whom seven lean ones were devouring, and of seven green ears of corn, and (seven) others dry, that I may return to the people, and that they may know."

47. [(Yusuf (Joseph)] said: "For seven consecutive years, you shall sow as usual and that (the harvest) which you reap you shall leave in ears, (all) - except a little of it which you may eat.

48. "Then will come after that, seven hard (years), which will devour what you have laid by in advance for them, (all) except a little of that which you have guarded (stored).

49. "Then thereafter will come a year in which people will have abundant rain and in which they will press (wine and oil)."

50. And the king said: "Bring him to me." But when the messenger came to him, [Yusuf (Joseph)] said: "Return to your lord and ask him, 'What happened to the women who cut their hands? Surely, my Lord (Allah) is Well-Aware of their plot.'"

51. (The King) said (to the women): "What was your affair when you did seek to seduce Yusuf (Joseph)?" The women said: "Allah forbid! No evil know we against him!" The wife of Al-'Aziz said: "Now the truth is manifest (to all), it was I who sought to seduce him, and he is surely of the truthful."

52. [Then Yusuf (Joseph) said: "I asked for this enquiry] in order that he (Al-'Aziz) may know that I betrayed him not in secret. And, verily! Allah guides not the plot of the betrayers.

53. "And I free not myself (from the blame). Verily, the (human) self is inclined to evil, except when my Lord bestows His Mercy (upon whom He wills). Verily, my Lord is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."

54. And the king said: "Bring him to me that I may attach him to my person." Then, when he spoke to him, he said: "Verily, this day, you are with us high in rank and fully trusted."

55. [Yusuf (Joseph)] said: "Set me over the storehouses of the land; I will indeed guard them with full knowledge" (as a minister of finance in Egypt, in place of Al-'Aziz who was dead at that time).

56. Thus did We give full authority to Yusuf (Joseph) in the land, to take possession therein, as when or where he likes. We bestow of Our Mercy on whom We please, and We make not to be lost the reward of Al-Muhsinun (the good doers - see V.2:112).

57. And verily, the reward of the Hereafter is better for those who believe and used to fear Allah and keep their duty to Him (by abstaining from all kinds of sins and evil deeds and by performing all kinds of righteous good deeds).

58. And Yusuf's (Joseph) brethren came and they entered unto him, and he recognized them, but they recognized him not.

59. And when he had furnished them forth with provisions (according to their need), he said: "Bring me a brother of yours from your father; (he meant Benjamin). See you not that I give full measure, and that I am the best of the hosts?

60. "But if you bring him not to me, there shall be no measure (of corn) for you with me, nor shall you come near me."

61. They said: "We shall try to get permission (for him) from his father, and verily, we shall do it."

62. And [Yusuf (Joseph)] told his servants to put their money (with which they had bought the corn) into their bags, so that they might know it when they go back to their people, in order that they might come back.

63. So, when they returned to their father, they said: "O our father! No more measure of grain shall we get (unless we take our brother). So send our brother with us, and we shall get our measure and truly we will guard him."

64. He said: "Can I entrust him to you except as I entrusted his brother [Yusuf (Joseph)] to you aforetime? But Allah is the Best to guard, and He is the Most Merciful of those who show mercy."

65. And when they opened their bags, they found their money had been returned to them. They said: "O our father! What (more) can we desire? This, our money has been returned to us, so we shall get (more) food for our family, and we shall guard our brother and add one more measure of a camel's load. This quantity is easy (for the king to give)."

66. He [Ya'qub (Jacob)] said: "I will not send him with you until you swear a solemn oath to me in Allah's Name, that you will bring him back to me unless you are yourselves surrounded (by enemies, etc.)," And when they had sworn their solemn oath, he said: "Allah is the Witness over what we have said."

67. And he said: "O my sons! Do not enter by one gate, but enter by different gates, and I cannot avail you against Allah at all. Verily! The decision rests only with Allah. In him, I put my trust and let all those that trust, put their trust in Him."

68. And when they entered according to their father's advice, it did not avail them in the least against (the Will of) Allah, it was but a need of Ya'qub's (Jacob) inner-self which he discharged. And verily, he was endowed with knowledge because We had taught him, but most men know not.

69. And when they went in before Yusuf (Joseph), he betook his brother (Benjamin) to himself and said: "Verily!I am your brother, so grieve not for what they used to do."

70. So when he had furnished them forth with their provisions, he put the (golden) bowl into his brother's bag, then a crier cried: "O you (in) the caravan! Surely, you are thieves!"

71. They, turning towards them, said: "What is it that you have missed?"

72. They said: "We have missed the (golden) bowl of the king and for him who produces it is (the reward of) a camel load; I will be bound by it."

73. They said: "By Allah! Indeed you know that we came not to make mischief in the land, and we are no thieves!"

74. They [Yusuf's (Joseph) men] said: "What then shall be the penalty of him, if you are (proved to be) liars."

75. They [Yusuf's (Joseph) brothers] said: "The penalty should be that he, in whose bag it is found, should be held for the punishment (of the crime). Thus we punish the Zalimun (wrong-doers, etc.)!"

76. So he [Yusuf (Joseph)] began (the search) in their bags before the bag of his brother. Then he brought it out of his brother's bag. Thus did We plan for Yusuf (Joseph). He could not take his brother by the law of the king (as a slave), except that Allah willed it. (So Allah made the brothers to bind themselves with their way of "punishment, i.e. enslaving of a thief.") We raise to degrees whom We please, but over all those endowed with knowledge is the All-Knowing (Allah).

77. They [(Yusuf's (Joseph) brothers] said: "If he steals, there was a brother of his [Yusuf (Joseph)] who did steal before (him)." But these things did Yusuf (Joseph) keep in himself, revealing not the secrets to them. He said (within himself): "You are in worst case, and Allah knows best the truth of what you assert!"

78. They said: "O ruler of the land! Verily, he has an old father (who will grieve for him); so take one of us in his place. Indeed we think that you are one of the Muhsinun (good-doers - see V.2:112)."

79. He said: "Allah forbid, that we should take anyone but him with whom we found our property. Indeed (if we did so), we should be Zalimun (wrong-doers)."

80. So, when they despaired of him, they held a conference in private. The eldest among them said: "Know you not that your father did take an oath from you in Allah's Name, and before this you did fail in your duty with Yusuf (Joseph)? Therefore I will not leave this land until my father permits me, or Allah decides my case (by releasing Benjamin) and He is the Best of the judges.

81. "Return to your father and say, 'O our father! Verily, your son (Benjamin) has stolen, and we testify not except according to what we know, and we could not know the unseen!

82. "And ask (the people of) the town where we have been, and the caravan in which we returned, and indeed we are telling the truth."

83. He [Ya'qub (Jacob)] said: "Nay, but your ownselves have beguiled you into something. So patience is most fitting (for me). May be Allah will bring them (back) all to me. Truly He! only He is All-Knowing, All-Wise."

84. And he turned away from them and said: "Alas, my grief for Yusuf (Joseph)!" And he lost his sight because of the sorrow that he was suppressing.

85. They said: "By Allah! You will never cease remembering Yusuf (Joseph) until you become weak with old age, or until you be of the dead."

86. He said: "I only complain of my grief and sorrow to Allah, and I know from Allah that which you know not.

87. "O my sons! Go you and enquire about Yusuf (Joseph) and his brother, and never give up hope of Allah's Mercy. Certainly no one despairs of Allah's Mercy, except the people who disbelieve."

88. Then, when they entered unto him [Yusuf (Joseph)], they said: "O ruler of the land! A hard time has hit us and our family, and we have brought but poor capital, so pay us full measure and be charitable to us. Truly, Allah does reward the charitable."

89. He said: "Do you know what you did with Yusuf (Joseph) and his brother, when you were ignorant?"

90. They said: "Are you indeed Yusuf (Joseph)?" He said: "I am Yusuf (Joseph), and this is my brother (Benjamin). Allah has indeed been gracious to us. Verily, he who fears Allah with obedience to Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds), and is patient, then surely, Allah makes not the reward of the Muhsinun (good-doers - see V.2:112) to be lost."

91. They said: "By Allah! Indeed Allah has preferred you above us, and we certainly have been sinners."

92. He said: "No reproach on you this day, may Allah forgive you, and He is the Most Merciful of those who show mercy!

93. "Go with this shirt of mine, and cast it over the face of my father, he will become clear-sighted, and bring to me all your family."

94. And when the caravan departed, their father said: "I do indeed feel the smell of Yusuf (Joseph), if only you think me not a dotard (a person who has weakness of mind because of old age)."

95. They said: "By Allah! Certainly, you are in your old error."

96. Then, when the bearer of the glad tidings arrived, he cast it (the shirt) over his face, and he became clear-sighted. He said: "Did I not say to you, 'I know from Allah that which you know not.' "

97. They said: "O our father! Ask forgiveness (from Allah) for our sins, indeed we have been sinners."

98. He said: "I will ask my Lord for forgiveness for you, verily He! Only He is the Oft-Forgiving, the Most Merciful."

99. Then, when they entered unto Yusuf (Joseph), he betook his parents to himself and said: "Enter Egypt, if Allah wills, in security."

100. And he raised his parents to the throne and they fell down before him prostrate. And he said: "O my father! This is the interpretation of my dream aforetime! My Lord has made it come true! He was indeed good to me, when He took me out of the prison, and brought you (all here) out of the bedouin-life, after Shaitan (Satan) had sown enmity between me and my brothers. Certainly, my Lord is the Most Courteous and Kind unto whom He will. Truly He! Only He is the All-Knowing, the All-Wise.

101. "My Lord! You have indeed bestowed on me of the sovereignty, and taught me the interpretation of dreams; The (only) Creator of the heavens and the earth! You are my Wali (Protector, Helper, Supporter, Guardian, etc.) in this world and in the Hereafter, cause me to die as a Muslim (the one submitting to Your Will), and join me with the righteous."

102. This is of the news of the Ghaib (unseen) which We reveal by Inspiration to you (O Muhammad ). You were not (present) with them when they arranged their plan together, and (also, while) they were plotting.

103. And most of mankind will not believe even if you desire it eagerly.

104. And no reward you (O Muhammad ) ask of them (those who deny your Prophethood) for it, it(the Qur'an) is no less than a Reminder and an advice unto the 'Alamin (men and jinns).

105. And how many a sign in the heavens and the earth they pass by, while they are averse therefrom.

106. And most of them believe not in Allah except that they attribute partners unto Him [i.e. they are Mushrikun -polytheists - see Verse 6: 121].

107. Do they then feel secure from the coming against them of the covering veil of the Torment of Allah, or of the coming against them of the (Final) Hour, all of a sudden while they perceive not?

108. Say (O Muhammad ): "This is my way; I invite unto Allah (i.e. to the Oneness of Allah - Islamic Monotheism) with sure knowledge, I and whosoever follows me (also must invite others to Allah i.e to the Oneness of Allah - Islamic Monotheism) with sure knowledge. And Glorified and Exalted be Allah (above all that they associate as partners with Him). And I am not of the Mushrikun (polytheists, pagans, idolaters and disbelievers in the Oneness of Allah; those who worship others along with Allah or set up rivals or partners to Allah)."

109. And We sent not before you (as Messengers) any but men, whom We inspired from among the people of townships. Have they not travelled through the earth and seen what was the end of those who were before them? And verily, the home of the Hereafter is the best for those who fear Allah and obey Him (by abstaining from sins and evil deeds, and by performing righteous good deeds). Do you not then understand?

110. (They were reprieved) until, when the Messengers gave up hope and thought that they were denied (by their people), then came to them Our Help, and whomsoever We willed were delivered. And Our Punishment cannot be warded off from the people who are Mujrimun (criminals, disobedients to Allah, sinners, disbelievers, polytheists).

111. Indeed in their stories, there is a lesson for men of understanding. It (the Qur'an) is not a forged statement but a confirmation of the Allah's existing Books [the Taurat (Torah), the Injeel (Gospel) and other Scriptures of Allah] and a detailed explanation of everything and a guide and a Mercy for the people who believe.

Pentamidine

A loud thump against the glass door and an image of Yousuf’s body imprinted on the hazy glass was all I could see from the other side of the door during Yousuf’s administered pentamidine, the alternative to Yousuf’s once a week antibiotic. I could only stand on the other side and try to give an illusion of a sympathetic mom through our blurred barrier. His attempt to escape was unsuccessful as I could see his image fading away as the nurse drug him back. I sat outside the door starring at the note attached of a pregnant woman with an X over it communicating quite obviously that pregnant women were not allowed. This room was specifically for pentamidine breathing treatments only which can differ in duration of time depending on the child’s age. Yousuf’s will be for 30 minutes. The nurse has to hold the mask over his mouth the entire time taking breaks throughout. They play a movie to entertain the child, which obviously was not enough to convince Yousuf in the beginning to sit still. Afterwards, Yousuf came out happy as ever and ready to leave. Since they already had taken his routine blood count we were ready to go! On the way to the car Yousuf was telling me all the people he loved, which eventually became loving everyone. I must of broke his “happy state” after I roared with laughter when he told me he loved the valet guy after getting in the car. He demanded that I stop laughing at him but continued in his list of loved ones. I hope this will always remain a “happy drug” for him.

It reminded me of when he was getting all those blood transfusions. Sometimes we would leave the hospital and Yousuf would be the biggest grouch and I would blame it on the person’s blood being “bad blood”. There were times that he would leave ecstatic and happy and I would jokingly say, “Can we get more of that person’s blood!”

I got a call later giving me the blood count results (CBC) and his ANC was a whopping 4.0! It’s sad how a high number (which is normally a good thing) has to be alarming in a cancer patient. They increased his methotrexate to 3 pills a day now. Which is fine by me since it used to be 5 ½ before his continuous low counts. I would much rather start low and steadily increase rather than the other way around with the continuous low counts and seclusion. The doctor’s obviously agree since too low of a blood count would mean kicking him off the medications until the number got back up. It is more important to have a steady (even if lower) dose of chemotherapy drugs than continuing to get off of them.

Throughout all of the highs and lows of his blood counts he has remained well and out of the hospital, alhamdulilah. May Allah (swt) continue his journey through cancer treatment always as an OUT patient.

Yousuf's 5th Birthday

I'm sorry for not posting for a while. I have a few blog entries that I haven't had time to type up. I'm starting to catch up now dated back to Yousuf's birthday in August....



I just gave birth to Yousuf not long before they wheel chaired me up to the recovery room. I probably had never been so exhausted my entire life; little did I know that exhaustion was just the beginning. Yousuf was the tiniest little human that I had ever seen, held or cradled. This was my baby, my little baby boy. I was excited and ready to be a mom. Once the reality of nursing sunk in the excitement quickly vanished and the overwhelming sense of responsibility began to sink in deeper. The lack of sleep and privacy from being in the hospital created deep felt tears, fears and thoughts of, “Can I do this?”

I had nursed Yousuf right before they took him for a few routine checks. It had been less than thirty minutes when the pediatrician rolled Yousuf back in and told me he was hungry again. The words stung my ears as I exhaustingly replied, “But I just fed him.” My inexperience as a new mom led me to believe that she must be mistaken. I wasn’t aware that new born babies can feed consistently over hours at a time. She gave me a discerned look of disappointment and rolled him back out. I thought to myself where is she going? I wasn’t denying feeding him. Later I found out I was not being discharged the next day due to worries that I was not a fit mother! What?! I was going through the most excruciating pain I had ever experienced and to be put under watch was only adding to my stress as well as insulting. After all, if I was such an unfit mother wouldn’t I just have given up and surrendered to the many attempts to formula the nurses insisted on? I chose to do what’s best for my baby even if it caused me pain. Finally, after sucking up the pain as much as I could and plastering fake smiles and calmness all over my face they let me go home.

As a first time mom, the day Yousuf was born, I embarked on the journey of motherhood. For the first time in my life I didn’t have the option of ultimate failure. All my “failures” in my previous life were only that because of my lack in attempt to try again. This time I didn’t have that option. Motherhood does not give you that luxury of ever quitting but only the option to create new strategies to try and succeed. In my past, I could and did walk out of the house when presented with a problem, quit a job I didn’t like or even move to a new location. When I reached home with my little Yousuf, it was only him and I facing this tremendous task of breastfeeding together. I couldn’t run this time. Not only did I have no choice to face this problem but I HAD to succeed. My baby’s life depended on me. I spent two months struggling in the worst pain each time Yousuf nursed from me. Two months of problems from ER visits due to breastfeeding related illness, flooded home and a hurricane evacuation…and I did it alone. It wasn’t until Yousuf was 2 months old that I could look at him and smile and truly enjoy him. It sounds sad I know but I’m glad I did it. I succeeded in something that some mother’s eventually give-up in. Those two months were worth the 21 months I got to nurse my child and give him the best nourishment there is, a mother’s milk. This experience taught me that when you make success your only option you will create a way somehow.

Nursing was just the beginning. The idea of physical pain in order to nourish my baby seemed a lot less severe after watching my 3 year old endure the pain while I can do nothing but sit there and watch. This taught me a new lesson, once you pass one test there is always a more difficult one waiting around the corner. Tests, they are an exercise to our eeman (faith) and the higher levels we achieve the harder the work-out becomes. Never at a steady level, either increasing or decreasing in our eeman (faith), there are harder tests to keep our hearts in shape and beating stronger. When I see a difficult task, no matter how difficult it is, I must just face it and say, Bisma’Allah, Allah knows I’m ready for this.” I must grasp the handles of life and petal as hard as I can through this world despite the terrain. Yousuf has not only given me the experience and strength but the wisdom behind it.

Happy Birthday on August 2nd 2005, a day on which more than just a beautiful baby boy was being born. A day that gave birth to a whole new meaning and purpose in my life, with a steady target of success, and the determination to always reach it.

"CountLESS" Times

I was running my fingers through Yousuf’s, now thick light brown hair, while I stood in line to purchase tickets to the zoo. I recalled that exactly a year ago we were sitting in a hospital room, Yousuf bald playing with a fire truck with only one hand, acting completely paralyzed on the other side of his body due to the port-o-cath insertion just a few days prior. Here we were looking completely normal walking through the zoo. I didn’t mind the heat, the long walking, or the strong odors to my sensitive pregnant nose. I thoroughly enjoyed my trip to the zoo by seeing how happy it made my kids. We have been given a second chance to live these experiences in a more meaningful way. Dr. Margolin is pretty confident that Yousuf will be just fine, but despite that confidence we never really know for sure. Many people say that all these doctor’s visits, rounds of chemo, and low blood counts will soon just all be a memory. I don’t want it to be “just a memory”. I want something permanent to change in my heart and in my life forever, as well as others. The impact of Yousuf having cancer opened a door to a world of sick people and great people that I didn’t know much about. Sure, I don’t want my little boy to be among them forever but I always want to be with them now. I love them. Not just the sick but the great doctors, researchers, and healers among them. Its funny how there are still times I cry alone just by remembering that Yousuf has cancer. I get sad every time the new month starts and he has to take the steroids altering Yousuf’s appetite and temperament. I always envision Dr. Margolin swinging her revolving chair around, peaking over her glasses with a smile saying, “I think it’s worth it.” Then I always remember the alternative to not going through all of this chemo. Insha’Allah, Yousuf will not always have cancer but I’m always looking for ways to get involved in cancer related events. When you’re in the same “family” giving to them is as if you are giving to your own child or even yourself.


Yousuf’s counts kept getting low and they would keep stopping his medicine and restarting it. His ANC got so low to a .15. The doctor likes to see that number between a 1.0-1.5, which is, of course still very low, but where they want a cancer patient to be at. The doctor decided to cut all Yousuf’s medicine in half, all except for the once a week antibiotic (bactrum) he takes. His counts were STILL low. They did an enzyme test to see how well Yousuf metabolizes each of the medicines. Maybe the medicine stays in his system longer knocking his counts lower. The result was normal for the daily dose of mercaptoprine but was slightly slower with the once a week methotrexate…but he had not taken that medicine yet since it hadn’t been a week since his last check-up. So then why were his counts still low? Well, it was clear to the doctor that it was the bactrum (antibiotic) making his counts so low like this. We needed different alternatives now for this three-day-a-week dose. Our options were: a pill every day -but it lowers his hemoglobin count ( I would rather steer clear of anymore blood transfusions!), second, an infusion once a month that lasts 1-2 hours to transfuse, or third (my choice) an inhalant that lasts 30 minutes that can be done at the hospital while getting his routine blood count anyway. We will see how this route goes and how his counts look. My once a month trips the hospital are now up to twice a month but hopefully with a higher ANC count and stronger little boy! And to be honest it only gives me more opportunity to reach out and be with the other patients, alhamdulilah. I love them all.